SOOO…today was my solo shopping trip/job hunt. Got my new glasses adjusted, which is good because they kept falling off and I had to wear this glasses lanyard that made me look 20 years older. My new work called me back and finally scheduled me so yaaaay moneymoneymoney. I celebrated by getting me a SOUL EATER TEEE. It was buy one get one 50% off at hot topic, and there was a Death the Kid shirt, but they didn’t have my size in that one. I knocked over a cardboard cutout of Doctor Who to get to it TT_TT
Successful social interaction, though. One of the sales girls helped me find my size in the Soul Eater shirt, and we fangirled over Stein xD
Then I went to the anime store and almost bought a Levi pencil bag intending to turn it into a purse, but then I remembered I don’t have those skills TT_TT
On another note, I WANNA SEE SOME HANJI MERCHANDISE, DAMMIT

Ive been with the guy ive cared for so much... who knew we'd hit it off like this... kissing.. snuggles... other things *wink* *wink*... but then we realize we may of screwed up on those other things... so... v - v yah...

Time to wake up.. If you don't have a real relationship with Jesus get one, so you know his voice, if you don't know his word..get to know it..his people perish because of lack of knowledge..some will even hear from Jesus he never knew them.. don't be one of those.. seek him and let him give you a real testimony beyond just MERE words.. ***REAL RECOGNIZES REAL***,THOSE OF US THAT HAVE HIS HOLY SPIRIT HAVE DISCERNMENT. Ask for it in Jesus name.. Luke 11:13b .. If you love Jesus truly you will follow him..not the world...if you seek the world to love you and join in all their sins..and say you follow Christ.. the bible says you're a liar. Check yourself..before you wreck yourself.. let Christ unveil your eyes! He loves you and wants you walking in truth. Not self.. or devil deception.

~My Heart~

Pain and Issues of the Heart

Yes, my heart knows pain-

the inflictions on my soul.

My heart knows this state of misery.

Neglect, loneliness,-

The vast emptiness.

My bleeding heart hidden within.

deadly wounds,but I am still alive.

Blinded by these wounds-

Lash out -even draw back so you don't get to close.

The lie's masqueraded security.

Silent tears- sustains fears.

Unguarded heart- pain thrives.

Weak, faint- dark despair.

Unhealed- haunted.

Heart's chambers- all in stone.

Screaming- the heartbeat of pain.

Future hope- bleak.

Past hurts- always awake and taunting.

Twisting the heart in knots-

Don't know what to do.

This heart in my chest-

No rest, peace or freedom known.

My life in pretense-

The hidden issues of my heart.

This destructive pain- I only know.

You can not come in.

It hurts to much- don't even touch.

Life's ocean -drowning heart.

My spirit feels almost gone-

Referred pain- all through my veins.

Broken heart- stealing, killing.

In search of the love that can heal my heart.

In my heart this I heard- "Jesus heals broken hearts".

"Jesus here is my heart, take all the pain away-

teach my heart love's healing"

~Heart Rages~

Heart rages- causing feelings of insanity.

Love's clarity- never known.

Possessing this heart- ownership denied.

All the lies, tricks and deceits-

weakens desires.

Do I fight to live- or to die.

Makes no difference-

With this pain, all remains the same.

Ate up like a disease- blackness and hate.

Outcome of heart-attack.

Body taking revenge on the contents of the heart.

Refusing the take over- screaming I want love instead!

I hate this hate,

I hate this pain,

I hate this vicious circle-

I hate it all!

By Heavenbound5511

The heart knows it's own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy. Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows (and is acquainted with, recognizes, is instructed by) its own (personal, individual, very own), bitterness (harshness, sourness, hardness), And a stranger (external, alien, unacquainted) does not share (experience, or have a portion of, or receive), its joy (delight, pleasure).

* Only the person with a heart of bitterness knows the pain and hardship of having a- hard bitter heart. A stranger not sharing the same heart of stone/bitterness doesn't even know what that individual is experiencing. They can't not know exactly how they feel.
Only the person with a heart of bitterness can make a choice to no longer be in that state ill well-being- because they know the pain of it. They have to want the pain to stop, leave, and heal. They have to seek freedom.

We can not see the complete condition of a person's heart without being God or that person.

We know our own pain- even if hidden deep inside, we know it's torture and we have to choose to go for our freedom in Jesus. No one can make us free, or even heal us, unless we take that first step and seek Jesus.

The Condition of Our hearts Affects Everything
“God plants dreams in people's hearts. But many people do not continue all the way to the end in order to follow Him to the fulfilment of that dream. Many get started and quit get started and quit get started and quit. They do not continue because their broken heart overwhelms their hope. They do not have any inner strength to carry them through to the end. Jesus will bind up your wounds and heal your bruises. His Word is the medicine for your soul.”
― Joyce Meyer, Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing

Ayo, my pen and paper cause a chain reaction To get your brain relaxing, a zany acting maniac in action A brainiac in fact son, you mainly lack attraction You look insanely whack when just a fraction of my tracks run My rhyming skills got you climbing hills I travel through your mind into your spine like siren drills I'm sliming grills of roaches, with sprayed on disinfectants Twist the necks of rappers 'til their spinal column disconnects We disinfect then check the monologue, turn your system up Twist them up, and indulge in the marijuana smog This is the season for noise pollution contamination Examination of more cartoons than animation My lamination of narration Hit's a snare and bass of track f*cked up rapper interrogation When I declare invasion, there ain't no time to be stare and gazing I turn the stage into a barren wasteland... I'm Infinite
You heard of hell well I was sent from it I went to it serving a sentence for murderin' instruments Now I'm trying to repent from it But when I hear the beat I'm tempted to make another attempt at it... I'm Infinite
Bust it, I let the beat commence so I can beat the sense of your elite defense I got some meat to mince, a crew to stomp and two feet to rinse I greet the gents and ladies, I spoil loyal fans I foil plans and leave fluids leaking like oil pans My coil hands around this microphone are lethal One thought in my cerebral is deeper then a Jeep full of people MC's are feeble, I came to cause some pandemonium Battle a band of phony MC's and stand the lonely one Imitator, Intimidator, Stimulator, Simulator of data, Eliminator There's never been a greater since the burial of Jesus F*ck around and catch all of the venereal diseases My thesis will smash a stereo to pieces My accapella releases classic masterpieces through telekinesis And eases you mentally, gently, sentimentally, instrumentally With entity, dementedly meant to be Infinite You heard of hell well I was sent from it I went to it serving a sentence for murderin' instruments Now I'm trying to repent from it But when I hear the beat I'm tempted to make another attempt at it... I'm Infinite
Man I got evidence I'm never dense and I been clever ever since My residence was hesitant to do some shit that represents the M-O So I'm assuming all responsibility Cause there's a monster will in me that always wants to kill MC's Mic messaler, slamming like a wrestler Here to make a mess of a lyric smuggling embezzler No one is specialer, My skill is intergalactical I get cynical act a fool then I send a crew back to school I never packed a tool or acted cool, it wasn't practical I'd rather let a tactical, tact full track tickle your fancy In fact I can't see, or can't imagine A man who ain't a lover of beats or a fan of scratching This is for my family, the kid who had a cameo on my last jam Plus the man who never had a plan B Be all you can be, cause once you make an instant hit I'm tensed a bit and tempted when I see the sins my friends commit... I'm Infinite
You heard of hell well I was sent from it I went to it serving a sentence for murderin' instruments Now I'm trying to repent from it But when I hear the beat I'm tempted to make another attempt at it...I'm Infinite
You heard of hell well I was sent from it I went to it serving a sentence for murderin' instruments Now I'm trying to repent from it But when I hear the beat I'm tempted to make another attempt at it... I'm Infinite

Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Did you know Jesus warned before He returns the Euphrates River would run Dry. You want to see our Lord's warning about this river come to pass? Watch the video.

Euphrates River running Dry
youtu.be/xpiivyT6iWk

(Listen to it and or read along www.biblegateway.com/audio/mclean/kjv/2Tim.3)

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,

7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

8 Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.

9 But they shall proceed no further: for their folly shall be manifest unto all men, as their's also was.

10 But thou hast fully known my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, charity, patience,

11 Persecutions, afflictions, which came unto me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra; what persecutions I endured: but out of them all the Lord delivered me.

12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

13 But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.

14 But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;

15 And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

17 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works. 2 Timothy 3

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIgkX-0Yt18

So I have no friends on here so there's no better place to vent.
Today was not a good day.
Except I've been talking to this guy who I really really like, made it easier because he makes me smile. He is the only thing that's getting me through shit right now.
Mentally though its not been a good one. Anyone who'll eventually read this and suffers from bi-polar depression can understand.
I honestly could not stop crying, and I am really not a crying type of guy at all. What makes it the worst is it can come on from nowhere. Ill be happy go lucky and then bam overwhelming sadness and tears for what is sometimes days. I was diagnosed years ago. Went through a phase where I didn't want to be "crazy" so I stopped taking my medications, then right after I lost insurance so I had to deal. Its never been so bad though. I cant keep an even mood, ill snap and become so angry for no reason that I cant see straight. I mean that literally, not figuratively. Then you know ten minutes later ill feel fine, or ill be overly happy and excited. It is the most terrible thing. It has cost me friendships, and even most recently my job.
Since, I have gotten insurance back, and am working towards becoming healthy and stable again, but until then its just hell.

:D omfg omfg

Was arguing with a girly girl on another site , not the first time I've done so as they truly frustrate and piss me off. They all say exactly the same stupid things in various ways but the bottom line is always the same. They want a man to protect them and provide for them BUT the worst thing of all is they want that man to lead them. I remember a comedian talking about very small children who remarked "you have somebody there who will look you right in the eye while they shit their pants". Well, he's being dumb, trying to get a laugh their kids and we do that at that age but these, these what ever the hell they are are supposed to be grown adults! Are you kidding me? You have someone who will look you right in the eye while they invalidate themselves as legitimate adults. Growing up I never once thought of women as less than me they were just people. As I developed sexually I swooned over women and fantasized about them as heroic scientists , explorers, inventors and the like. I did notice that a lot of men seemed to see them as children or something similar to that anyway. I didn't really pay it much attention it was like some people like cars, some like to drive trucks or vans just a lot of opinions. I thought it was stupid, but I'd seen a lot of stupid before and I ignored it more or less and lived in my world with my opinions. It was much later when the internet came along and it was like everyone's diary was a mouse click away that I begin to see how bad the problem really was. Not just men were writing these things but women as well. It still doesn't quite seem real to me that women would say these things because I had seen them laugh it off so many times as if it were a joke between the sexes. Yet here it is in print , unmistakable , women are writing how they want a man who can "make decisions when I'm unsure" and a million other smiler things.
It's effect on me has been being creeped out , it's hard to describe how it feels to wake up in a world suddenly where many many women I pass on the street or do business with every day are looking at me as some kind of surrogate father figure , that they consider themselves lower than me. A very creepy thing that they might even be turned on by the thought of me and other men around me saving them from some calamity or protecting them or some other such thing all according to the demented ideology of what men are supposed to be. It just becomes creepy when you look at it like that . These women are destroying themselves, disempowering and deligitimizing themselves and somehow I'm caught in the middle of this. If a woman flirts with me at the grocery store what is she really thinking? Suddenly flirting isn't nearly as fun anymore. Is she a woman like I imagined women to be or is she one of these aliens that see men as some kind of father figures there to "take charge" and make everything OK. Hell, being male feels kind of gross now really , I never even thought about my sex much before this new enlightenment.
So, now that I know that not all women are what I thought, that lots of them have truly creepy woldviews about men, my self included, I resolve to just work that much harder for what I believe in. Feminism is basically a highly political cult filled with a bunch of wackos who can't wait to "call someone out" or be "triggered" by something for that moment in the spotlight where they get to play the poor oppressed victim. Not much help there, it's the lesser of two evils at best. So for now I'll call myself and equalist , I believe in gender neutrality and that people are individuals not mere men and women. We're people, not robotic livestock to be assigned roles by society based on which harness they think fits us best.

:c the guy i like and care for so much got hurt by his girlfriend but hes giving her another chance.. wish i could prove him that i could be amazing.. and that i care...

So I've been watching seasons 7 and 8 now gotta work on seasons 9 and 10... On dvd... but aside from that.... I'm starting to wonder.... If I should rp NCIS....

@CrimsonButterfly..... whom do you think I should be

Today, I've woken up... and i barely slept much.
I tossed and turned so many times thinking about him. Hoping he's ok, hoping its going to b alright.. He and his girlfriend did not work out as well, she didnt truly love him and went for his friend... so hes very broken... very broken... and all i want out of this, is him to smile...