My mind is messed up
I can't think straight
I can't concentrate
I am distracted
I need a doctor
I'm losing my mind
(Illusions)

Can someone tell me what's wrong with me?
Am I going crazy?
Am I losing my mind?
Can you tell me - am I insane?

My mind is messed up
I can't think straight
I can't concentrate
I am distracted
I need a doctor
I'm losing my mind
(Illusions)

My mind's spinning
I can't think
My thoughts are jumbled up, scrambled
I feel like I'm losing it
I feel there's something wrong with me

My mind is messed up
I can't think straight
I can't concentrate
I am distracted
I need a doctor
I'm losing my mind
(Illusions)

What is wrong with my brain?
My brain is not working properly
It's like a computer
What can I do?
Nothing I do seems to be working

I'm sweet, but I'm a bit mean
I'm nice, but I can be rude
I'm mischievous, but a little bit manipulative
I'm so dramatic I could be an actress
I'm sarcastic and sassy
I don't care if people like me or not
I don't care what other people think
I'm not who I was when I was 16
Yeah, I'm positive, now
But I'm still me
I don't want kids
And no one should judge me
'Cause I'm just me
I am not goth
I am alternative
I am me

I like a lot of rock music and some pop music
I can't stand modern pop music
I like Three Days Grace, Pale Waves, First To Eleven, Paramore, Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson, Mars Argo, Rosemary Fairweather, Flyleaf, Fireflight, The Beatles, and Scarlett Pomers
I can't stand Ariana Grande, Cardi B, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Avril Lavigne, and Billie Eilish
I don't like kids
I don't want kids, either
And it's my choice
And no one can judge me
'Cause it's my choice

I'm sweet, but I'm a bit mean
I'm nice, but I can be rude
I'm mischievous, but a little bit manipulative
I'm so dramatic I could be an actress
I'm sarcastic and sassy
I don't care if people like me or not
I don't care what other people think
I'm not who I was when I was 16
Yeah, I'm positive, now
But I'm still me
I don't want kids
And no one should judge me
'Cause I'm just me
I am not goth
I am alternative
I am me

People might think I am goth, but I'm not
I am me
I am alternative
I dress the way I wanna
I'll dress in bright colours, if I wanna
I'll dress in dark colours, if I wanna
I don't really care what people think
I don't need labels
If people wanna call me goth, go ahead
If people wanna call me emo, cool
But I don't call myself goth or emo
I do my own thing
I have my own style
I wear wigs and eyeliner
I wear tank tops for comfort, sometimes

I'm sweet, but I'm a bit mean
I'm nice, but I can be rude
I'm mischievous, but a little bit manipulative
I'm so dramatic I could be an actress
I'm sarcastic and sassy
I don't care if people like me or not
I don't care what other people think
I'm not who I was when I was 16
Yeah, I'm positive, now
But I'm still me
I don't want kids
And no one should judge me
'Cause I'm just me
I am not goth
I am alternative
I am me

I like black, red, and green
Just 'cause I'm alternative doesn't mean I only wear black
I wear what I wanna
I've got my own style
I love animals
And I'm a vegetarian
I like wigs and eyeliner
Three Days Grace and Pale Waves are amazing to me
They're my favourite bands
It's me, it's who I am

Ive been looking at such a far away place... until now. Over there- a high out of reach place... Something so bright I could never lay a finger on it. Beyond my bright screen... That’s all I’ve ever looked at. And gradually I came to feel that I was also in there, that I also had something. Whenever I turned the switch on, I could see it. I though just maybe I understood it all. But, I was wrong. In truth, there was no way I could ever actually go to that place. I had nothing, I understood nothing. That’s all I was. The world over there- the world I was used to- was despairingly far from where I currently stood. I had no power to fill that gap... But- I simply couldn’t get away from it, I would never stop trying to go there. I avoided contact that would make me recognize myself as much as I could. I couldn’t meet with people. Communication would make me realize who I was. If I realistically recognized myself, then it would become harder to go over there. Reality and concrete things only got in the way. And- I gradually lost my self recognition... and my existence.

This was something I wrote back when I was a edgy teenager, but alas I look back with nostalgic smiles wondering how different it is now today.

I'm not the girl you knew
I'm happier
And you can't break me
I found myself
And I don't need you
I'm cutting you out of my life
I don't wanna stick around you
Baby, you're toxic to my well being
You're like a cigarette
(So addictive, yet toxic)
I don't wanna play those games anymore
I'm not a girl anymore

I don't hate my body anymore
I'm learning to love my body and myself
Sometimes, I hate myself and my body
But I usually love my body